don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
