I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
