I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
