i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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