i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
