you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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