Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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