its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
A+ Viking dick
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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