I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
