Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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