Having a random hookup so left but love u
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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