I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
