it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
