i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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