life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize