Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize