Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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