Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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