Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
