i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
