Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
