took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The air was thick with penises
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have aggressive nipples.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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