im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
