She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
