Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
