:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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