I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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