Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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