I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
