This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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