high people should be assigned attendants
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize