i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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