next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
