I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
