i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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