I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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