You smell like a Billy Joel song
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
