he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
