He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
