in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
