I wish my penis had an off switch
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
