My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
