Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
