I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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