Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
