I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
