it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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