She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
