I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize