What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize