this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
