Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
