When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
