Tell her she can't have a vagina
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize