It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
