If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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