he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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