Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We were destined to go to rehab together
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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