did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
