connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
