Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
