wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize