this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
