Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
